Despite my best efforts, time continues to slip away from me.
I was meant to have this website finished a long time ago. It's coming together, bit by bit, but my coding skills are rustier than I thought, and CSS seems to run on some kind of unpredictable dark magick. Recently I've been trying to get this thing to work better on mobile, although this is not going well in the slightest, if anyone has any suggestions.
On the topic of things left unfinished: the EP should have been out by now. The original release date was in December. As I write this, currently one of the four songs are finished. Trying to figure out how to record vocals has been a nightmare, but now that I have a process, I should be able to get through the rest relatively quickly. I won't go into the full depth of my experience, but currently the setup includes using an empty "practice room" in my accommodation and borrowing an interface/mic from uni. This room is also right next to a yoga studio, so I basically only record late at night as to not disturb anyone. I did put a little yaamc cover on soundcloud for anyone who wants a preview of what the ep is going to be like. I've also began writing for the LP that will follow now that my guitar is fixed, and it is MUCH better than what will be on the EP.
In other news, about a month ago today I went sober. I never used to like the places I ended up in after a night drinking (sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally), however with willing ignorance I refused to consider cause and effect. The final shove for sobriety was not a bad trip, but a perfectly mediocre one. I spent a night drifting around a rave after taking not enough 2cb to make it feel good, sort of just wondering why I'd even taken it in the first place. The morning after, my head filled with sludge, I figured it'd be sensible to give that sort of thing a rest for a little bit. It's been a month now. I've kept up with going out, and found that I had a much better time raving and socialising while sober. I'll still have a cheeky cig every now and again. That doesn't count though.
When I saw Twin Peaks for the first time as a teenager (heavy spoilers for almost all of Lynch's films follow, beware readers), I saw something of myself in the framed photo of Laura Palmer as the Homecoming Queen kept in her high school's trophy cabinet - my best years behind me, my future destined for tradegy, for becoming another dead girl, wrapped in plastic.
A considerable amount of time later I watched Fire Walk with Me. Although I am not able to say exactly when this was - the passage of time seems irrelevant when living under a self-imposed prophecy of annihilation - I once again saw myself in Laura Palmer, albeit in radically difference circumstances. The film's final image, of Laura, watched over by her guardian angel, crying tears of joy that seem to expell the burden of years of trauma and abuse proved to me that I would be able to find peace, one day.
Many see the depictions of Americana in Lynchs work, seen throughout Twin Peaks as well as in features such as Blue Velvet as entirely sardonic. While it is true much of his filmography is dedicated to peeling back this veneer of small town friendliness, you only have to see him discuss It's a Wonderful Life to understand his geniue love of it. Who wouldn't dream of a perfect world of red roses and blue skies, where violence exists only on our screens? Far too often do our dreams fail us though, which is where Lynch comes in - his art dominated by the gaping chasms between our fantasies and cold hard truth.
Unsuprisingly, Mulholland Drive was greatly impactful on my younger, closeted self. I grew up with a conservative family in a conservative area. I naturally retreated into fantasy in my youth, and was generally a quiet kid. Lost Highway likewise revolves around retreating into one's own mind, but what drew me specificaly to Mulholland Drive was it's intoxicating sensuality. While it is difficult to remember, I do believe it was the first time I saw two women kiss on screen - how electrifying! How far out of reach this was to pretransition me! I did not simply desire to be with a woman, but to be with a woman as a woman, a fantasy and taboo both seemingly well understood by Lynch.
"Lynchian" is a descriptor used so often to the point of parody, but it is easy to see why. He captures something so perfectly about the human experience, something that cannot be put into words. While I have discussed my personal connections to much of Lynch's work here, it's almost impossible for me to say I completely understand a single one of his films. Despite this, I feel them, each and every one, from the depths of my heart. If there is one thing to be learnt from the life and work of Lynch, it is that empathy is the most powerful force in the universe.
There remains the matter of Twin Peaks: The Return. Three years ago a wrote a long letterboxd review that somehow avoids explaining what I find special about it, as well as being written completely amateurishly. Truth be told, I don't think my love for The Return could ever be expressed in words. Maybe it shall be a task for when I get round to revisiting the series, or perhaps it shall remain a mystery forevermore.
I have come far, and have much further to go yet. He will be with me, forever and always.
-Sophie
I don't believe in "new beginnings."
Life's power lies in it's relentlessness. Ultimately, time will move ever forward. To try and divide and sudivide your own life is foolish. It encourages castrating ones self from their past, and closing one's mind to the future. I do not strive to "live in the moment," but rather steady myself as all moments flow through me.
As such, it would not be at all right to say my life is changing in 2025 - merely continuing.
As happenstance would have it, however, the world will be seeing a lot more of me this year. My debut ep, which has been in the works for about half a year now, is approaching a releasable state. I am in the process of shooting one short film, and have begun writing another (lovers of sleaze and filth rejoice!). I've got some shoots with some pretty high-profile bands lined up. I'm also going to start posting here semi-regularly. Sometime's it'll be updates on projects, sometimes it will be thoughts and musings.
2025 is the year of having a website.
-Sophie